SOUL MURDERER MOTHER
Everything you will read here may or may not be true now. Only thing you have to realize is: love is really the most difficult thing to learn. These emotions were so real once and the only way of healing was to paint them out.
"I have a painful relationship with my mother.
I know she had done her best.
And I know I am not much like her nor am I the way she wanted me to be. First of all, I am not a boy. Secondly, I am just the opposite of what she thinks a woman should be. I have these small breasts which she told me no man will ever love (men do not appreciate bones very much). My skin is snow white and I am an artist.
Mother was raised in Latvia under Soviet occupation when a wise woman had to be dumb and never show her brain to a man. Ambitions were not meant for us.
She was a heart-breaker in her youth, she is still, in her seventies. Maybe that is why she tried so hard to kill my femininity and creativity, it was hard for her to see a new queen growing up.
Only problem is, it hurt when I was a teenager and it still hurts. One thing my mother has taught me once and for all : I can not be loved the way I am.
She would love me if I was normal.
Men would love me if I was like everybody else.
It's so funny when I go to psychologist's and pray to tell what's wrong with me. Only answer I've had from different specialists was : you are perfectly sane and normal person. But my mother told me differently !
I've gone through some very bad times while creating these pictures. I didn't tell my mother about it because I didn't want to be scorned. Things were pretty bad and I didn't want to hear anything rude and destructive what would make me feel more miserable.
She found out anyway, one way or another. These words she told me made my heart bleed inwardly worse than it had ever been before and it has been bleeding from mother's words for years. It felt like my soul tissue is teared apart by wild animals. It felt like dying.
We all have this burning desire to be loved, despite our age and education.
The best thing I could do with this pain was to paint it. I know I am not the only one suffering form that kind of injuries and I've been blessed to be able to express it and communicate it in the language of art. I hope these works will help somebody with similar struggles so a new series of paintings « Soul Murderer Mother » has begun.
It will be finished when the pain will be released.